Twisted Oliver
by Little Stone
Summary: Everyone is plotting. Oliver is plotting a murder. Claire is plotting to antagonize Oliver. Whose side will Amellie take?
1. 1 In Myrnin's Lab

Twisted Oliver

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 1: In Myrnin's lab**

"Myrnin, is there a way to destroy a vampire remotely?" Oliver asked the alchemist.

"Use a gun with silver bullets," Claire answered.

"Claire, stop being smart and get me some O from the bank." Myrnin pushed Claire out of the lab and turned to Oliver. "Who do you want to kill?"

"An old enemy of mine who I want to be rid of forever."

Myrnin frowned. "It it Amellie?" he asked.

"No! I'm the Founder's wannabe boyfriend, remember?"

"Oh, I remember all right. However, I'm the Founder's BFFIA, and I don't approve of you at all."

"What are you, her father? And what idiocy is this acronym?"

"Best Friends Forever In Afterlife." Myrnin smiled happily.

Oliver glowered. "First of all, there would be no 'I' in the acronym, and second, just because she's _your_ only friend doesn't mean that she can't have any other friends."

"All right, point made. Tell me exactly who you want to kill," Myrnin said, changing the subject.

"Shane." There was no need to say anything else.

_ Kill Shane_? Mynin thought to himself. Myrnin hated Shane because he was Claire's boyfriend. But he _was_ Claire's boyfriend…

"I'll have to think about it," Myrnin said. "This will take many an inner deliberation."

"Well visit Common Grounds when you have made up your mind." Oliver shrugged and left, snagging the blood that Claire had just brought back.

Claire frowned angrily, and went back to work. When Myrnin went to buy doughnuts for his serious addition, she snuck one of her mini recorders from the underside of a workbench into her famous bookbag.


	2. 2 A Typical Afternoon at the Glass House

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 2: A typical afternoon at the Glass House**

"Shane, are you making chili _again_?" moaned Eve. Every single time that Shane had cooking duty he made chili.

"This is the way you can tell if it is really me and not an impersonator," replied Shane.

Everybody laughed.

"What is that thumping noise coming from the pantry?" asked Eve.

"Very funny, Eve."

For the first time in the conversation, Michael spoke up. "Shane, I hear it too."

Shane cursed and said, "I'll go see what it is, then." He went to the pantry, opened the door, looked inside, and shut it. "Nothing-"

But Michael had grabbed him by the throat and was shaking him vigorously. "Eve! Untie Shane while I get rid of this imposter!" he said angrily.

As everyone was settling down again, Claire came home. Everyone pretended that nothing had happened. After all, this was a typical day in the lives of the Glass House residents. But really there was no point.

"Oh my gosh, Shane!" cried Claire. While Claire and Shane got over themselves, Eve and Michael shared glances. After five minutes, they had had enough.

"Soooooo Claire, tell me about your day," Eve said loudly, to snap her back in.

"My day…Oh my gosh! Myrnin and Oliver had an important conversation in the lab and I picked it up on a bug! But I didn't listen to it yet!" exclaimed Claire.

"Let's listen to it, and if it is anything important, we can give the bug back to Amellie," said Eve.

"******* ****** ******!" yelled Shane.

"How could he? Oh, how could Myrnin even consider this?" sobbed Claire. "Shaney!"

"I noticed that Myrnin and Shane never really hit off," said Eve.

"******! *********! ****** ***** *!" yelled Shane.

"It's that evil vamp, Oliver who is to blame." Michael growled, his normally calm face turning dark with anger. "He wants to kill Shane. I'll kill _him!_"

"No! Michael, it's too dangerous!" shouted Eve, but Michael had already left the house.

"**********************************!" yelled Shane.


	3. 3 Oliver's Dirty Little Secret

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 3: Oliver's dirty little secret**

Shane, Eve, and Claire ran outside. It was still daylight. Michael was crouched in fetal position, trying to protect himself from being burned. As Claire watched uselessly, Shane and Eve picked him up and headed towards Eve's car.

"Claire, open the door!" shouted Eve.

Claire opened the driver's side door, much to Eve's frustration. "We don't want him to drive away!" she complained.

After a few minutes of groaning, Michael suddenly sat up, ignited the car's engine and drove off. "Oh no!" screamed everyone besides for Shane, who cursed.

They ran to Common Grounds and looked for Michael, but he wasn't there, so they menaced Oliver a bit.

"Oliver, have you seen Michael?" Eve asked.

Oliver slid his fangs out. "Maybe I have and maybe I haven't," he said menacingly."

Claire screamed. "He's eaten Michael!"

"Don't be stupid," Shane said. "Look, there he is now, at the door."

"Glad to see that you can finally say a few coherent words," grouched Michael.

"What took you so long?" asked Eve.

"Hanna pulled me over for speeding."

"Did she give you a ticket?" asked Oliver.

"OLIVER! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!" roared Michael, and punched at him.

Oliver caught his arm. "Not here in front of the customers," he said, leading Michael to a back room. "We can fight to the death in here."

They all went with Oliver and Michael; Shane had brought a six pack of beer and Eve and Claire broke out pom-poms and sparklers. "M-I-K-E-L! Send Oliver to Hell!" they chanted.

Michael kicked Oliver's stomach, making Oliver wheeze and collapse. Oliver scratched Michael's arm. Michael shrieked and pounded Oliver to the ground, finally putting his foot on Oliver's neck.

"Any last words?" Michael said. The girls stopped cheering and Shane opened his third can.

Oliver sighed. The end had come at last. "So ends the noble Oliver Twist!" he cried.

Silence.

"I never knew that Oliver had a last name," Shane said.

"But that's impossible! Oliver Twist is a fictional work by Charles Dickens which was written a few hundred years ago, and Oliver is ancient!"

Michael picked up Oliver by the neck. "Tell us the truth," he said.

"O-once I got drunk and t-t-told an aspiring author my story. He wrote it a-all down and sold it and now I just go by Oliver so nobody will make fun of me ever ever ever again!" he whined.

"This is so darn cool," Claire said.

They left, leaving Oliver weeping on the floor. "Now everyone will know my secret," he cried.


	4. 4 Decisions are made

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 4: Decisions are made**

Back at the Glass House, the triumphant four were celebrating their victory.

"Remember when I kicked his head into the coffee machine?" asked Shane. Everyone ignored him.

"Before we get too drunk and throw up on the floor, we should come up with some plans," said Claire. "Let's deal with Oliver first, because he is the biggest threat."

"How is he a threat," asked Eve, "if we just beat him?"

"Oliver needs to be destroyed." Michael's knuckles were white around his beer can. "He will never leave us alone now that we know his secret."

"Why didn't we kill Oliver after Michael beat him?" Eve wondered.

"Guy code." Shane said, as if that explained everything.

"He's not making it up. Here is our ultra-secret Guy Code book, handwritten by every father to his sons."

Eve read from the open page, "'Dealing with one weaker than thou: One may never hit a girl. One may never hit one's offspring while in the infant stage. And never may one hit a whining beaten opponent at thy mercy.' This explains a lot."

"Wait! Now I understand why Oliver is so much sneakier than regular guys. He didn't have a dad so he never got the book, and so doesn't have to obey the Guy Code!" Clair exclaimed.

"So we should give him the book so he can't be a sneaky ******* anymore?" asked Shane.

"No, this gave me an idea," said Claire. "We read Oliver Twist and find ways to torment him. Working with what we know, Oliver has no father. Let's make fun of him for that."

"Wow, Claire," said Eve. "How insensitive can you get? The guy lost his father and now you rub it in."

"This is Oliver we're talking about," said Michael. "But by now all the vampires, unless they are really young, have lost their parents, so it shouldn't bother him anymore."

"OK, so now I'm gonna give you all assignments. Shane, you and Eve will watch the movie and take notes. I will re-read the book and make sure all the facts are correct. Michael will take the facts and turn them into pranks to torment Oliver with."

"But I'm not violent!" Michael protested.

"Ok, so you can watch the movie with Eve and Shane, and after I check everything, we can brainstorm together," Claire declared.

"What about Mynin?" Shane said suddenly.

"Always on about Myrnin," Eve said scornfully.

"I hate him!" replied Shane.

Claire took charge yet again. "I'll monitor him closely and pick up another bug when I'm in the lab next," she said.

* * *

Oliver picked himself off the floor. "Those darn kids," he mumbled. "Now I'll have to change my shirt." He put on a new shirt and washed his face. He pretended to his customers that nothing was wrong, but later he followed Melissa home and drained her, just to get even.

"I knew that this would happen," said Melissa.

* * *

Myrnin was working in his lab as he thought about whether to kill Shane or not. "What do you think, Frank?" he asked the machine.

"Don't you dare kill my son or I'll shut down the town!" shouted Frank.

_An experiment that is biased has no place in alchemy_, Myrnin thought. _I'll do an experiment myself. If Shane passes the test, I'll let him live._ To Frank, he said, "Only if he truly loves Claire."

"Of course he does! You **********!" exclaimed Frank.

"That remains to be seen," Myrnin muttered to himself.

* * *

Amellie gazed into her crystal ball. "If I were to intervene, whose side would I chose?" she murmured.

These are the first four chapters of this story. Should I continue? If so, I'll put the characters' plans into effect and complete the story. Please tell me what I should fix in the upcoming chapters, and things that you want me to incorporate.

-Little Stone


	5. 5 Comparing Notes

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 5: Comparing notes**

Claire studied _Oliver Twist _all night. When she came home the next evening after an uneventful day, she was in a bad mood. _I'll bet they didn't even turn their brains on this morning_, she grumped.

"OK, Shane. What did you get from the movie?"

Shane grunted. "There was this man who was bad. I didn't like him. He made Oliver scared. I feel bad for Oliver." He started to cry.

"His name was Fagin," Michael supplied. "And never feel sorry for Oliver. I'm sure he did something to deserve it."

"He was just a baby," Shane cried.

Eve sighed. "We forgot to get rid of Shane's daily imposter this afternoon."

"Daily imposter?" Claire asked.

As Michael made the fake Shane find the real Shane, Eve explained. "Every afternoon for the past few weeks, a guy who looks like Shane turns up, hides Shane somewhere, and pretends to be him. We managed to get rid of the guys every day except for last Friday when it really was Shane. That's when he got the bruise on his back."

"I'm important for plot development!" shouted the fake Shane as Michael threw him out the door.

"He's able to get in because Shane keeps inviting him, every day," Eve finished.

"Stop distracting me guys!" shouted Claire. "And Shane, didn't your mother tell you never to talk to strangers?"

Everyone else stared at her awkwardly. Michael cleared his throat. "Claire, did the book say anything important about Fagin?"

"Yeah, he was in charge of a group of thieves, which made Oliver feel uncomfortable."

"Also, Bill Sykes was nasty to him. In the movie he had a really nasty temper," put in Eve. "He also killed Nancy when he found out that she was helping Oliver."

Claire thought long and hard. "In the book, a lot of his words are dashed out because he cursed so much. Combined with his nasty temper and drinking problem, he sounds like somebody I know, but can't exactly place."

"Me?" asked Shane.

Eve clapped her hands. "We could so totally dress him up like Sykes and freak Oliver out!" she hi-fived Claire, but Claire was the oblivious type so she fell over instead.  
"I officially decide to antagonize Oliver in any way possible. This, I swear." Claire intoned.

* * *

Amellie laughed. "Hmm. Two redundancies in one. Maybe I should side with Oliver." Her crystal ball darkened.

Next chapter we go to Myrnin's lab again! Myrnin comes up with a new invention. So excited!

-Little Stone


	6. 6 Dream Board

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

**Chapter 6: Dream Board**

Myrnin had worked all day on his dream board. He was going to call it 'dream board.'  
Oliver had worked all day at Common Grounds. Now he was waiting for Myrnin to tell him if he would help him with his murder. "What does this converted Ouija board have anything to do with your decision?" he asked.

Myrnin grinned, his fangs sliding out of his mouth. "Ish dream board will help me shee if Shane really loes Claire." He gingerly placed his fangs back into his mouth. "Darn these false teeth."

"What do you do with it?" asked Oliver, noting the elderly vampire's weakness.

"Watch and see. By now, Shane should be asleep and –"

"Don't you watch my son while he's asleep!" shouted Frank.

Myrnin continued as if he had not been interrupted. "While Shane is asleep, we can communicate with his subconscious mind." He put his fingers on the heart-shaped planchette. "Shane, are you asleep?"

"YES"

"Do you love Claire?"

"YES"

"For reals?"

"D-I-D-N-T I T-E-L-L Y-O-U S-O *-*-*-* M-A-N"

Myrnin looked satisfied. "I told you it would work. Red crystals for everyone!"

"He cusses like my son, he is my son," said Frank.

"What does this have to do with anything?" asked Oliver.

"I'm so terribly, terribly sorry Oliver, but I cannot help you kill Shane. I cannot harm him without harming Claire."

"Are you sure that Claire loves Shane?" wheedled Oliver.

"Fine! I'll try her now. Claire, are you asleep?"

(no response)

"She's probably up studying," said Myrnin.

(Five boring hours later)

"I've got a pulse - I mean response!" shouted Myrnin, waking up Oliver. "Claire, do you love Shane?"

"YES"

"You won't give me a chance?"

"N-E-V-E-R I L-I-K-E B-O-B M-O-R-E T-H-A-N Y-O-U" "GOODBYE"

"Must kill this Bob character," Myrnin muttered.

"No! Bob the spider is my only friend here!" shouted Frank.

"Oliver, I must protect Shane from you. Now go away while I cry and eat ice cream."

"Is it French Vanilla?" asked Oliver. He promptly found himself on the street bemoaning his wretched luck. _French Vanilla! I can ask Amellie for help! She never liked that lazy layabout either_, he thought.

I hope you liked this chapter. It was so much fun to write! Next up: another confrontation in Common Grounds, revealing more of Oliver's past.

Any suggestions?

-Little Stone


	7. 7 I'm Important for Plot development!

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

Apology: I haven't written anything in months, but I hope that will change. Therefore, my writing style has changed somewhat but I think you will still enjoy it.

**Chapter 7: I'm Important for Plot development!**

"Are you ready?" asked Claire. "Everyone, name your roles."

It was the next day, and the four friends were getting ready to storm Oliver's shop.

"Yes," said Eve. "I go to work as normal, but at 1:00 I get all the customers to leave."

"Bribing them with Oliver's coffee cash, of course," Claire reminded her.

Shane, who was wearing his costume, continued with his part. "I sneak up behind Oliver and say his name like Sykes did in the movie. I menace him until he's distracted."

"And while Eve pours coffee on his head, I stuff Oliver in a sack and drive him to Myrnin's lab, where we chain him up in the sub-basement." Michael was pleased; that part was his idea.

"And then there's the pavlo part where I beat him up until he stops screaming," Shane exclaimed ecstatically.

"No, stupid," said Claire. "Pavlov – as in we condition him to stop screaming."

"And when he's not a whining, beaten enemy, then we can kill him. And I will get revenge!" yelled Michael.

"Kill you once, and you never forgive," muttered Eve.

Luckily, Michael didn't hear that, even though he had supersonic hearing. He was using all of his brain cells to think. "Why don't we just rip out his throat so he can't whine or scream?" he asked.

Shane's brain cell popped. "I like the idea of torture. Plus, _Claireee_ thought of it."

"Oh, Shaney."

Amellie was really annoyed. Last night, Oliver had knocked on her door and whined to her in his annoying voice he thought was "persuasive".

"Help me! Help me! Please help me!" he cried. She could almost see the snot dripping from his nose. (Because vampires have X-ray vision, of course!)

"Oh, so now you're asking me for help?"

"Yes," Oliver said, a little resentfully.

"_Begging_ _me_ for help?"

"Aaaah-ha-ha-haaaaa! I can't do it!" Oliver cried and ran away.

So the next day, when Amellie was staring into her crystal ball, it wouldn't work. "Show me who I want to sssssssssssseeeeee" she hissed. She wanted to see what the kids were up to in their plans to antagonize Oliver.

But instead of seeing Shane picking his nose, Eve emptying a saltshaker into an annoying boy's coffee, Michael breaking and buying a new guitar, or Claire writing an angry letter to her school, she saw someone else.

Oliver. Oh, Oliver! (well, duh) Oliver was on the phone with someone.

"All right, Sykes. I'm gonna kill your last descendant today and there's nothing you can do about it."

"Why? For revenge, of course! You're the one who turned me into a vampire to steal my inheritance."

"Such language! Ha-ha ha-ha-ha!"

"No, I will _not _wait until you arrive from England. Do you take me for an idiot?"

"Oh. Really. Goodbye, then." Slam.

Amellie was really concerned now. "Show me the children!" she commanded her Chrystal ball. The crystal showed the Glass kids planning to attack Oliver.

"Oliver's in for a surprise," she smirked.

"Oliver's in trouble," she gasped.

The next chapter is the climax! Please review if you want anything specific to happen! I've got plans otherwise…


	8. 8 Everybody Shows Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

Oh, and I don't have anything against Goths unless "Goth" means "Little Stone Hate Group".

This one's for Sobia who commented first last time I put out a chapter. :)

**Chapter 8: Everybody Shows Up **

"Ok, everybody! Get out! And take Oliver's change with you!" shouted Eve. She loved sounding like a boss lady.

Monica stood up. "And just why should I listen to you?" asked Monica rudely.

"Cuz I'll give you my Goth cooties," replied Eve, dangling a skull keychain.

Monica and her cronies ran out the door of Common Grounds squealing.

Eve laughed and then sobered up. "I don't really have Goth cooties, right?" She closed the door while the three others climbed in the window, Shane in his full costume.

"No, it's something you grow out of, like girl cooties," replied Michael.

"I don't have cooties," whined Claire.

"Wait a minute. Where's Oliver?" asked Michael.

"No wonder nobody stopped me trying to get the customers out," Eve said. "Now that you mention it though, I do remember Oliver leaving about five minutes ago muttering about revenge and carrying a ceremonial hunting knife."

They ran outside, where they saw Oliver trying to start his car by turning on the heating system. "Now the engine's warm," he said, grabbing the steering wheel and pushing on the gas pedal.

"How on earth did we miss him?" asked Claire loudly.

"Aaaaarrrrggggg!" yelled Oliver. "You will die nooow!"

"Just as long as I die in the cool, sweet shade," moaned Michael who was starting to smoke.

A passerby lit his cigarette on him and kept on walking.

"I'm going to spontaneously combust!" yowled Michael. Oliver seized this advantage and, throwing his knife aside, grabbed onto Michael's arm with his teeth. Eve started shrieking and Shane opened up his Bill Sykes prop, a bottle of beer, and began to chug.

Claire, meanwhile, began using her alchemy skills to cover the sun with dark clouds. First she had to summon water particles on a hot Texas day. She started with Shane's watery beer.

"Hey, watch that!" Shane called angrily. Oliver looked at Shane, his teeth still imbedded in Michael's arm, and his jaw dropped, releasing Michael.

"Sykes!" moaned Oliver. "Must get away!" He jumped back into his car but it didn't work. He looked up and saw Amelie dangling his car keys in front of him.

"Silly Oliver. That's just Shane in his day clothes."

Oliver was so angry that he lunged at Shane…just as the daily imposter showed up.

"Hey, um you guys weren't home, so I wanted to find you, to, like, do my job, like, impersonating Shane or something so he won't get, uh, killed by Oliver or whomever."

"Who is this idiot?" asked Oliver.

"Shane's clone. I got Myrnin to steal some of his skin cells and make a new one so my last descendant would not be killed, Oliver."

Oliver turned around, and saw his mortal enemy, Bill Sykes. And Myrnin.

Myrnin smiled. "I never cloned a human before. And it worked on try number 587!"

Eve made a face. "That's disgusting, Myrnin."

Myrnin smiled creepily because Myrnin has no morals. He also had a skin sample from every Morganville resident.

Sykes glared at Oliver. "I'll kill you. You killed my descendants." He grabbed the now empty beer bottle and glared into its depths. "Why'd you drink all my beer, boy?" he asked Shane.

"I didn't," protested Shane.

"My lie tester says he's telling the truth," Myrnin said.

` "So where did the beer go?" asked Eve.

They all looked up and saw a tornado. A brown, beer smelling tornado.

"It got out of control! Everybody run!" shouted Claire.

"Looks like it's dark enough to get up from under Oliver's car," said Michael "Yeeeeaaa! What have you dooone?!"

"I created a monster," said Claire.

"Stop panicking, everybody," said Father Joe, who always turns up at times like these. "We must all make promises we will keep if we are to be saved from the storm."

Next up: Climax #2: The storm, and it's NOT going to be a cop-out of the final fight scene between Sykes and Oliver just because they are saved. If you want a character to promise something, write in. Otherwise, I have plans.

Thank you for everyone who reviewed and will review.


	9. 9 Final Showdown

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

The promised fight scene. I did my best!

This one's for Sobia again.

**Chapter 9: Final Showdown**

Everyone was silent. Nobody wanted to be a better person, obviously. As the beer tornado loomed closer and closer, Father Joe said, "Oliver, you're usually the adult in this type of situation. Why don't you start?"

Oliver sucked in his breath and got a lungful of cheap beer. "I solemnly swear that I'm not going to take my well-deserved revenge on that miscreant," he gasped.

"Ditto," said Sykes.

Father Joe smiled kindly. "I'm sure that we will be saved from this disaster."

"Can't hold on no moreee!" yelled Claire, totally losing control of her monstrosity.

The tornado touched down where everyone was standing. Everyone was swept up into the sky. Suspiciously, the cars were still on the ground.

So was Father Joe. "A miracle!" he exclaimed. He looked around. "Everyone else must have gone home," he said, walking off.

Meanwhile everyone else was being whipped around in the tornado. Claire was thrown against Myrnin, who decided to take advantage of the situation. At last he had her skin sample! Usually she was super careful and wore a space suit in the lab.

Shane attacked Myrnin, throwing punches to his face. So did his clone.

"Hey, you're pretty cool," he told his double.

Michael was playing on his guitar and Eve was listening in rapture.

Amelie was comparing Oliver to Sam, almost gave up, and then remembered that Oliver was the one who was alive. She started purging Sam from her mind with her creepy eye control trick.

While all this was going on, Oliver took out his sword. "Guess I lied to the priest, Sykes. You're going down."

Sykes had already stabbed him with his knife while Oliver was talking. "My right hand!" yelled Oliver.

Oliver slapped Sykes' funny bone with his sword. Sykes howled, alerting everyone else, who watched. Eve and Claire took out sparklers but ended up burning everyone because they were in a tornado. Michael played battle music. Shane taught his clone how to drink beer from a tornado. Amelie envisioned Oliver and Sam fighting over her.  
The fight continued. Sykes tried to lobotomize Oliver through his nose while Oliver tried to chop off Sykes' ear. They both ended up cutting each others' hair.

Oliver bit Sykes' nose and started chewing it. Sykes tore a chunk off Oliver's shoulder and ate it. (It's OK. Vampires heal, remember?)

Sykes hit Oliver over the head with his sword. Oliver pretended to be stunned, which wasn't hard for him, then stabbed Sykes in the heel. Sykes' eyes went wide and became temporarily paralyzed.

In Amelie's daydream, Oliver killed Sam. "Winners keepers, losers, weepers," she muttered.

Oliver loudly proclaimed, "Now I will kill Sykes in front of you all! Hu hu hu!"

Sykes glared. "I may be a beaten enemy, but I am not a whining one."

"That gives me no satisfaction!"

"But if he did, you would be violating the Guy Code!" Michael was strict about the Guy Code.

"What is this Guy Code that you are referencing?" asked Oliver angrily.

Nobody replied. Oliver had never met his father. Mentioning that could really put someone in a mood.

No longer paralyzed, Sykes got up. "That was cool. We both needed to get our aggression out."

"I agree," said Oliver.

"WHAT?" everyone else yelled.

Oliver spoke for both of them. "This whole feud thing is getting really old. From now on, we'll be posting snide comments on Facebook."

"You are so cruel!" shouted Eve.

"More importantly, I need to make sure that my last descendant doesn't die," said Sykes. "Shane, I will turn you into a vampire and teach you the Vampire Guy Code."

"I hate vampires!" yelled Shane. Michael glared at him.

"I have a suggestion," said Myrnin. "Why don't you take Shane's clone back to London with you and turn him into a vampire? He has the same DNA, after all."

"Yes," said the clone. "It would be so awkward living in the same town with a guy who has my face. I want to build a new identity in London."

Amelie spoke up. "I am glad that you have all agreed with everything I told you to do. Now send them to England and let us down, Myrnin."

Of course, nobody noticed that Amelie didn't do anything this entire time. Myrnyn sent Sykes and Shane's clone flying over the Atlantic. Then he let the Morganvillians down gently. By sending Oliver down first to smash through Eve's hearse, and then dropping everyone on top of him.

"My hearse," cried Eve, predictably.

She should have been more grateful that nobody was injured besides for Oliver, who doesn't count anyway.

"Goodbye, clone," whispered Shane.

**The Final Chapter is coming out really soon!**

Oh, and this is for Sobia because there was barely any ShanexxClaire.

Claire: Shayyyyneee!

Shane: Oh, hi Claire. I'm playing it cool even though I'm just as excited to see you. 'Cuz I'm a real man.

Claire: I brought home some red crystals from the lab. Have some!

Shane: No, Claire, it's bad for your brain. *drinks beer* Michael will just confiscate it anyway.

Claire: But Shayyyne!

Shane: Seriously, Claire. *grabs the crystals and trashes them*

Claire: Why you have to be so serious all of a sudden? And why are you a vampire?

Myrnin: Oops. I sent the wrong Shane back.

Claire: I want a refund! I'll scream until I get what you want SHAYYYYYNEEEEE!

Real Shane: Doesn't look like I'm in Morganville anymore. *suddenly is attracted like a magnet back home because he hears Claire* Follow the deserted road… Hey! I'm back in Morganville.

And they lived happily ever after.

It's kinda lame, but whatever. I think you'll like the next chapter, though.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own any Rachel Cain or Charles Dickens works.

This one is for Sobia again because she keeps reviewing.

This is the final episode! Please enjoy it. It's really just the aftermath of the whole Oliver incident.

.

**Chapter 10: Oliver Can't Shut up and Other Endings**

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**Oliver Can't Shut up**

****.

The next day was a Sunday, the day Amelie goes to Father Joe's church. She dragged Oliver along by the scruff of his neck.  
"Father Joe said that he would mention me in his sermon. You just _have to_ come!"

"Freedom of worshi-"cried Oliver before Amelie choked him.

They sat down and Father Joe began his sermon. "There was a terrible tornado that threatened the town because there was fighting between friends. But they repented and were all saved. Let us recite-"

Oliver stood up. "Not true! Not true!" he yelled.

"Shut up," whispered Amelie.

"The tornado sucked us up and I beat Bill Sykes!"

"Shut up," said Amelie.

` "Like it on Facebook. I have pictures," declaimed Oliver.

"Oliver, shut up!" shouted Amelie, but it was too late.

Father Joe came out of his shock. "But, the tornado went away."

"No, it went UP, taking us with it." Amelie kicked Oliver.

People were on their feet, shouting.

"It was a beer tornado," Oliver added.

The congregants took out their pitchforks and chased Oliver out. Amelie had to erase their memories.

Later that day she set fire to Common Grounds, but Oliver whined and cried so much that she ended up giving him an even bigger store. But his skull collection could never be replaced. Or could it?\

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It should be obvious why Father Joe escaped the tornado. It would have ruined the plot!

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**New Car for Eve**

Michael took Eve shopping for a new car, since her hearse was smashed. Eve fell in love with a black musician van. It had a deadly curse that all the guitarists who were ever in it died a gruesome death within a fortnight.

"But it should be fine for us, right Mikey?" she wheedled.

Michael nodded, too teared up to speak and put his guitar away. And took out a kazoo. Because mandolins are for losers.

.

This is love.

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**Movie Night**

Shane really wanted to watch a movie with Claire, but there was only one in the house. _Oliver Twist_.

"I miss Sykes," said Shane, watching the actor drag the Oliver-actor by the ear.

"Now I know that it's really you and not an imposter," Claire said.

"Why?"

"The imposter cried when Sykes was being cruel," replied Claire.

"Yeah. I noticed he's kind of different from me."

.

They were both raised by Frank, but the clone was made after Frank stopped being evil.

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**Don't Sleep Tonight**

Myrnin and Frank were playing with the dream board.

"Now I will know exactly how much the donut man shortchanged me," said Myrnin.

"Let's ask Oliver some personal questions and make them public," said Frank.

"Isn't it funny that Bob's answers are in words just like anybody else?"

"Is he turning sentient?" asked Frank.

.

Yeah, just so you know these are the people who can read your mind while you're sleeping.

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**The Letter**

"Hey Shane. It's me, your clone. I'm writing this letter to you because you're the only one who understands me, who knows what it's like to be a Shane. I'm going by Shawn now. I want to tell you that I'm doing fine in London, Sykes is the coolest! He taught me a million fighting moves by now. By the way, Myrnin sent over another clone. She goes by Clara. I'm sure you understand why I'm going out with your girlfriend's clone. I got a job as a tester for a zombie videogame producer, and I'm really happy. Clara' going to be a rocket scientist. Literally. Anyway, I have to go. Clara just brought in a body for a snack, and I have to have a word with her. Never befriending a human, she is very insensitive. Adieu, Adieu. Remember me."

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**THE END**

.

.

This has been a great adventure. For one thing, my writing style changed yet again. I started writing this story last spring, published the first chapters last summer, and it's done in the winter. I want to put updates on my stories sooner than I did for this story, but it was my first long one (around 5.000 words). I'll do much better next time.

Speaking about next time, I thinking of what I'm going to write about. Keep doing Morganville or move on? PM or comment on this story. In any case, I'm planning, building, working!


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